Behind Blue Eyes
by eixid
Summary: Songfic. After a mission ends in near disaster for the Acolytes, John delves into his own mind to recognize what lies behind his blue eyes.


Casakitten came up with the idea for this fic, I just put it onto paper.

The building behind us roared in flames.  I just stood there, mesmerized, I had caused this.  I looked at it as a father would a child.  I nearly began to weep tears of joy as I watched the flames frolic.  The way they traveled up the walls, spread over the wood, melted the metal beams in the ceiling.  Our child was perfect.

Gambit grabbed me by the collar and slammed me against the van so hard my teeth rattled.  "What de hell were you thinking?"

"He he, sorry mate."  I smiled, hoping he would put me down.  His eyes were glowing, which meant he was really mad this time.  "Just got a little out of hand.  That's all…"

He pulled me back slightly only to press me back into the van, teeth rattling again.  "You damn near burnt us both to death!"  He yelled, and I could feel the pain in my back and head from being slammed into the metal repeatedly. 

"Sorry…"  I managed to say again.

I thought Gambit was going to kill me right then and there.  But luckily Piotr placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"The police are coming."  He told Gambit.

Gambit let me drop, turned, and stalked off into the night.

"Thanks…"  I told Piotr once Gambit had vanished.

For the first time in my life I saw emotion in Piotr's eyes, not love, not sorrow, but disgust.  He didn't say anything, just turned and disappeared in the same alley as Gambit.

I laid on the cold asphalt, the heat and orange glow from the burning building reaching out to comfort me the best it could.

No one knows what it's like   
To be the bad man   
To be the sad man   
Behind blue eyes   
  


I sat alone in my room, my cordoned off space of the Acolyte base.  My home, my 'sanctuary'.  Magneto used that word to get me here, to get me to buy into his world of the future.  I want a refund.  I didn't have anything, I don't need anything.  All I need is her.

Remy and Piotr seem okay.  I used to be able to make them laugh so hard they would nearly pass out.  After a while they just started smiling and walking away.  Now they look at me with contempt.  Who could blame them?  Crazy old John's almost gotten them killed on more than one occasion. 

I sat in the dark.  Well, almost dark.  The orange glow in the palm of my hand kept me company.  She was always there for me.

  
An' no one knows what it's like   
To be hated   
To be fated   
To telling only lies   
  


I could never tell them what I really think about.  Hell, I doubt they would believe me if they knew I wasn't the wisecracking John they think they know.

Truth is, she is all I think about.  She engulfs everything I see.  I can't look at anything without her consuming it, without picturing her caressing it.  Even now, I can see her on the walls of my room.  Trickling upwards like a reverse waterfall pooling into an orange sea on the ceiling.  

I closed my eyes to make the hallucination go away.  But even then I see the orange flames glowing in the darkness of my vision.

  
But my dreams   
They aren't as empty   
As my conscience seems to be   
I have hours, only lonely   
My love is vengeance   
That's never free 

She wants out.  She wants to experience what I do, see what I see; she wants to be free like any other living being would.

I can't set her free.  She is a part of me, she is me.  Thoughts of her incorporate my every waking moment.  My every thought, my every dream…  my every nightmare.

I love her; need her like I have never needed anything before.  But she is powerful, she is a fighter, she is a survivor.  She consumes everything, leaving a blackened ash in her wake.  She is consuming my soul, leaving nothing in her wake.

  
  
No one knows what it's like   
To feel these feelin's   
Like I do   
And I blame you 

She does this to me.  Makes my life a living hell because I don't let her go freely.  But I can't let her out, I can't let her go.  Without her I am nothing.

How can something bring pain and pleasure at the same time?  She is the reason I wake up in the morning, she is why I love my life.  But she is destroying that life.  It's not her fault, she can't help her nature.  What she sees as the normal act of living is a destructive vortex that consumes everything in its path.

She is the cause of my hate and my happiness.  She saves me and kills me at the same time.  Makes me cry, makes me laugh.  She is warm comfort, she is icy death.  

  
No one bites back as hard   
On their anger   
None of my pain an' woe   
Can show through   
  


So I act like an idiot, a buffoon, smart-ass, an optimist.  I wall her up; do anything to keep her from my conscious thoughts.  

Before I got her I was always serious.  I was an introvert, people didn't concern me.  I was more mature at 10 than I am now at 18.  I looked down on the jocks, the popular ones, they were beneath me.  But at the same time I envied them, I wanted to laugh with them, be accepted.

She fed on that.  The longing, the despair, the loneliness was a fuel to her, as explosive as gasoline.

That's why I can't let my true self show.  My true self is where she thrives, where she gets the most freedom.  I must be happy, I must be.  Otherwise she will try and make me happy.  She will hurt people again.

  
But my dreams   
They aren't as empty   
As my conscience seems to be   
I have hours, only lonely   
My love is vengeance   
That's never free  
  


I keep her in check.  But she rules my dreams.

She plays there.  My dreams trick her into thinking that she has freedom.  I wish you could see the things she does, the shapes she takes.  They are beautiful beyond comprehension of the nine letter word.  A completely flowing liquid being, something whose appearance is only limited by your imagination.

The colors, the smells, the feeling when she tickles my skin.  The warmth that assures me that everything is well.

  
No one knows what it's like   
To be mistreated   
To be defeated   
Behind blue eyes 

So I live my lie.

I am the crazy carefree John whose problems shed off him like water of a platypus's ass.  The outward me, the me I show the world to keep them safe from what hides behind my eyes.  That thing inside which is too horrible to let out, but to precious to me to destroy.

The other side of me.

  
  
And no one knows how to say  
That they're sorry   
An' don't worry   
I'm not telling lies 

I want to tell them, Remy and Piotr, that I'm not the person they know.  That the John they met a little over a year ago is just a mask.  A farce, an act; a fresh coat of paint on a haunted house.  I am merely a container for something that not even I understand.  Something bigger than me, bigger than the Acolytes, the X-Men, Humans, Mutants, mortals…

They won't believe me.  I wouldn't even believe me.

  
  
But my dreams   
They aren't as empty   
As my conscience seems to be   
I have hours, only lonely   
My love is vengeance   
That's never free

I can't let her out.  She has gotten close, she almost made it out tonight, and Remy and Piotr nearly paid with their lives.

I can feel the tears escaping my eyes, my soul trying to extinguish the flames.  

There is no hope for me.  She will eventually totally consume me.  My soul, my thoughts, my body will be her fuel.  And nothing but dark ash will be left in her wake.  A part of me looks forward to that day.  The day where we will meld into one, the day I leave my mortal body and ascend into the form of a higher being.  The day I take my place with her.

I closed my fist around the open flame in my palm, extinguishing it.

…for now  
  


No one knows what it's like   
To be the bad man   
To be the sad man   
Behind blue eyes


End file.
